Dreams

It's hard to remember my 1st dream.  Oh, yes, I thought my old choir director, Mrs. Campo, was murdered.  It was my fault, somehow, I guess because I'm indian.  So, I found her, and she was carrying me quite a lot with my hurt ankle.  It was interesting how I connected.  Before, Ellen DeGeneres was carrying me with my hurt ankle and I was thinking about being rubbed.  There was another dream where I was trying to **********.  My dad's youngest sister and little girl cousin, the aunt told me to be more comfortable in the bathroom.  When I went in the bathtub, I looked from behind the curtains and the light was on and she had come in then left.  The next dream, I was on a long long walking bridge, strong, like a dream.  I remember there were 3 boys, 1 maybe his name started with a Z.  1 was Tim Burton's son.  I talked to him, and he was really nice and cute.  He was small with dark hair.  I was with several adults.  I know Helena Bonham Carter was there, and she was taller than me by several inches and more rotund and healthy.  I got up thinking I wanted to put how her round, chubby daughter squaked as she picked her up.  After awhile, I said she was the most European person here and went up to her and maybe or probably started to put my arm around her.  I guess she was putting her arm around me and stuff for a long time, with my hurt ankle, which isn't really hurt now, and in different ways.  For some reason, I was thinking of old movies like Singing in the Rain or An American in Paris, which I thought of seeing Mary Poppins yesterday.  Eventually, she picked me up because of my ankle, for a long time.  I made a strong connection with her dad being all English and then with the rest of her race being Spanish and Jewish.  I'm not sure what was most memorable.  I guess my hurt ankle and seeing her as most European.  I did see maybe an all English blonde with slick hair, and I guess for some reason it didn't matter to me.  ***  So, I guess you can imagine how it was.  I don't remember all the details.  I guess I felt kinda knocked out a bit but nothing really bad, like I went in and wasn't afraid to process things.  Before, I think I felt a bit worn and unable to experience.  This time, I was kinda not fully developed, still.  When I was looking to see if she was murdered, it was very depressing and something I had to accept.  I was worried that it had to do with me not stopping it and causing it.  It was sorta a dark, trashy, more sharp slum area, more orangey and like with slits of other things.  The bridge was big, like an old dream, and weighted down, quite a lot, though it didn't seem to affect me as much as it could, like I was dead in a way partly.  It was a thick bridge.  We were sitting on the side.  There were like maybe 3 wires and a window with cement on the outside.  It was very strong, like a building or street, very thick, seemed so stable but uh-oh not really invincible.  So, Helena Bonham Carter was wearing a dress, which was maybe was like brownish with certain colors like orange or blue or green.  So, Helena Bonham Carter was saying "David" because her dad is all English a few times.  Also, I went in the bathroom to lock the door.  I can't even close my garage door because of a chord in the way.  I guess with the choir director we were down in a low area that was kinda yellowy-orangey-maybe gray.  I had told someone about a Cathedral that seemed good but not the best, you know 1 of 3.

Family Sides

I just realized my dad's side of the family has always acted like they hate me for their side, maybe because his sisters are younger, and my mom doesn't like try to make me unsuccessful because of it.

Dream

I know what came up that I didn't have to think of was like seeing police on the side of the road.  In the end, I came up to a bookshop with a short, very fat lady, guess it reminds me of the state of health I was in when I moved here.  She told me never to go to this like gated off section of children's books.  Instead, I looked for another section she said I could look at facing the front in the back with adolescent books, which looked remotely interesting.  I saw a clever picture with a big bear but then 4 smiling like dogs that looked more like people, which were a bit smaller.  I think I was hiding.  I had  gotten out of my house.  I was mad I switched bodies with my cousin, though it was not a concrete idea.  She had a milky white body with like maybe bluish hair, and I was small and brown with brown eyes.  Her eyes are gold, like my aunt's husband's son's.  So, I had a sorta dreamy, surreal feeling and went outside and was worried about the police.  I was on a bed, maybe before, on the side, like a big, maybe white quilted bed.  In the end, I think I was walking.  Also, in my dream, I believe were family and extended family, like grandma maybe, maybe both aunts.  I wish I could remember before.  It felt like I was in a place where I could buy stuff.  There was a lot before.  I mainly remember a big segment, too, where I was in my cousin's body.  I felt like myself doing something else, like a Russian doll.  I was in a big, empty, sorta maybe house with a bluish tint, kinda like a haunted, gray dusty place, on the floor, feeling kinda weird.  There was a like tall kitchen counter where you could sit at like on a bar stool.  There was a place on the side and probably a big window covered with a plastic curtain.  There was a big kitchen.  I guess the arrangement mocked that of where I lived in the oldest continuing city.  I guess the bedrooms were in the same place, and the living room was behind us.  The neighborhood was similar.  We did live by a used bookstore.  I remember once I saw a book with a cat carrying a tiny cat who maybe was just waking up or opening its eyes.  It was so cute.  I was so upset I couldn't get my body back and progress, but my cousin was happy.

My Problem

So, I lost my female thing from the psyc meds, and now it's coming back long and super duper light right now.  So, that means my mood must be really poor quality.

I also got kinda hurt for doing something that upset Aunt 1, just because, when "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" stopped, like I found what ticked.  Now, I don't want to deal with this and like have it not matter.  If it keeps going so be it, it still happened and it still is an issue.  I can't really know if I can brush it aside.  I mean, why should I stay up and type about stuff like this?  I mean, I thought this was like something you didn't like.  Why would I say stuff like that?  I mean, I see, it fits, and I didn't mean it in a literal way, but I know you don't like it, at all, but secretly find it like pretend.  I don't even know why I said it but have a feeling I had a reason to  Maybe it's because it wasn't really to 1 person and it came up and I don't know why.

Problem

I wonder if Ellen DeGeneres is more scared of me than Tim Burton because she's a girl and my dad is so much older.  I can't really stop thinking around women younger than my dad.  I want to know about the girls with younger dads.  I know I have this 1 friend with parents younger than my dad around the same age.  I have another friend who's younger with parents the same age much older.  The other friend is a little older, born in early February.  My parents made it sound like I was supposed to be born in like December or January, maybe even early October like my grandma.  But, no, I wasn't born that early.  I wonder if they expected me to be born in March and be called Monica.  My dad's youngest sister is born in April, so.  My little brother and little girl cousin, the little girl cousin being my dad's youngest sisters's daughter, was born in November, and so was my dad's oldest of the sisters, who is younger.  Did you notice what I say sounds rebellious to you with what you think my impetus must be though it's just a fact though I'm really being like extra adamant in a good way that's more than expected, by the GI Generation or the people born before 1950, when my dad is born, in late July?

Problem

I was gonna say something but forgot.  Then, I thought of something not very important.  I'm highly insulted of my Gramma and Aunt 1 thinking oh pulease I can do something and make you mess up without knowing it.

Reminiscing

Do you remember when you were 1?  What about 2?  What about 3 and 4?

I remember things were very like surreal and heavy-weighted.  I'm "from Fort Lauderdale" because I was born in a hospital there, and I lived in several cities around the area, including I remember now 2 beaches, don't remember which 1 was on top.  I was created at 1, and that's the 1 I like and my favorite place I've seen.  The only other thing I could say is the beaches between Fort Lauderdale and Miami or between Miami and Key West and possibly the Keys.  I think it was because of my mom being like open to things "not being white|'Caucasian.'"  Her strength was doing gymnastics in high school.  She did ballet as a kid.  She was #1 in the country.  However, I think the most advanced thing she did was probably something like a back handspring, which I've never done, though I was the most advanced for not being on a team, which was something I never saw, until I quit and then went back to get a workout, so-to-speak.  She's also very short and said she was about the thinnest, like very thin, though she wasn't as thin as a starving kid in Africa and wasn't shaped like too crookedly or some way hard to describe though she wasn't badly crooked..., and the fairest, "like a 'blonde.'"  My dad has black hair and blue and yellow eyes.  My mom's skin used to seem deeply gray, but she made it yellow brown tan.  It was dark sometimes, before, too.  It was even darker than me.  I got to be a fat baby, and then my skin was white, but I wish I wasn't so fat.  I don't know why I was so small, but I wasn't always so small to my mom.  She said my eyes were dark blue, but I saw in the light they looked gray blue.  They even looked colorful blue.  However, I was born with wood hair that looked dark like more light blackish and maybe dirty from far away, and my eyes got to be a nice wood brown all my life with sparklies in it.  I remember when I was 3 that they were like crystally and all put together, but I think I was upset about the color with my race.  My eyes teetered with green, so that's why it was sorta a more colorful brown.  I'm sure you could have deep brown or maybe a nice reddish black, though I've not looked into a black person's eyes.  My understanding was that Latin Americans also have dark eyes.  I guess Africans don't have maybe crystally eyes.  They're into milk and blood.  I guess Native Americans have sorta a more grayish brown.  By the way, are they like separate from Europeans?  That must be a big question.  I don't really want to think they're Asian, neither.  They're not Middle Eastern, but they would fit a clan life more.  However, they are the wild tribes of the world, and the Africans are the wild beasts who learned to speak and may have had a language, as well as written language.  Something about Native Americans seems primitive.  It's interesting when you meet mixed Native Americans and people with a little Jewish, which it seems so many people have in the U.S.  I don't have proof, but I noticed a trend that could be possible.  It seems like the darker Europeans, like the non-Russian Eastern European and Southern Europeans, have a more pure race in the U.S.  I'm not sure how many people have thought of this.  No one ever told me.

Ah, just got back from the restroom and said bye to my family.

So, anyway, like it was like a big boom, like all these balls, all this fuzz, all these dreams, you could so sense.  I just don't know why it was connected as I moved and don't know why I grew older and it wore away, like it was for toddlers.  Like, I'm thinking of when I was, like, 4.  The dreams, often, involved, like things of the water.  My eyes just lit up as though I were still in "Fort Lauderdale."  Like, I guess, like Titanic.  It was about civilized life among the existence of the "romance" or "nostalgia" of the water and, I guess, the beach.  So, I lived along coastal Florida at the bottom and top.  It did muddle life in connecting to others.  I don't really know modern people from other areas.  It was just a feeling.  I also felt the 80s and things kids should feel but not like the good outdoors.  We didn't walk along the beach.  We did sometimes but not often.  Like, there was no hillside to go to.  We didn't really walk around the dust.  We did walk around like every night and go home on a bus and have Chick-Fil-A and piña colada [without alcohol.]  I felt the racism creeping in, as I tried to enjoy what others rushed by.  I can't say that my mom was better off, but she did live in Pennsylvania, briefly.  I'm not sure if it was New York.  They lived in a huge building that could have been used for dance.  It was kinda like a big empty studio that was 2 stories high.  Maybe, there was like a balcony or something.  I think it was a ballroom.  My dad worked 3 jobs, including photography and, of course, like many men, truck driving.  I mean, he was also a paper boy, when he was little, guess he was lucky, too.  His mom somehow got milk to him all the time and worked when his littlest sister was born and had the older sister take care of her.  Both sisters were younger, and his mom had miscarriages, I think maybe of all boys, though the supposed story changes.  I don't believe that is common, and I don't know what happened.  I guess you should know my dad's youngest sister had her daughter cut open.  I was small.  My mom even took a class where she took care of babies before I was born.  Like, I think she changed your diapers!  Haha.  So, no, don't even think she's like bad like a black person.  The Chinese weren't treated like niggers, back in the day.  She is not Vietnamese|Japanese.  Funny, it seems the Chinese don't have to have squinty eyes.  I don't know that Southern Chinese are bad.  What my dad provided was the memory of like technology and modern culture and maybe the aura of the hippie|flower generation.  He is a hypnotist.  His sister is, now, too.  He also used to always talk about how he was in a band in his basement.  I don't know why he doesn't do that upbeat stuff, to this day, but it influenced my life and I find it interesting.  My mom was also in a gamalan at school, maybe played the angklung, which I mean is something to think about or listen to.  She also used to tell me about shadow puppets.  It wasn't "that I was better" but that I had to like respect it but that 1 I wasn't from there and 2 my dad wasn't of Indonesian heritage and I guess he was around.

So, the experience wasn't really so easy, and I wasn't really so comfortable with myself.  I got upset.  I guess kids used to get upset in that sorta way that needs to be nurtured, maybe by themselves, at least in my case.  My mom was a guide.  My dad was a comforter to me, maybe a guide to my brother.  My brother clung to my mom in a selfish way.  I did in a shy way until I got a little older and then my brother was born.  I wasn't like ************.  I was just shy.  It was because of my race, though, so that's kinda lame.  It's more of a memory, like I guess thinking of the possibilities living by New Orleans, thankful I lived right across the bridge.  It was a really big deal how close you were.  My roommate was a health nut and homeschooled.  My problem with Britney Spears is her being from Mississippi.  My understanding is that people like her grew up more gung ho.  I guess that fits the description of how Ellen DeGeneres turns out certain generations.  I guess I sorta find it that it's more nostalgic, like with the idea of like maybe you'd eat fish there.  I'm not from Mississippi.  It's so funny, I don't know anyone else important from there.  Chloë Grace Moretz is from Georgia, and that's really something totally different, very aggressive.  I happened to go to a campsite around Atlanta somewhere, by Cabbage Patch Land, with my aunt's inlaws.  I was left in the town for like 6 hours or maybe just 4½ hours.  Also, it was Christmastime.  So, I don't know anyone else just from there.  I connected more to Miley Cyrus.  She's from Nashville.  Well, the New Orleans area isn't modern.  It isn't preserved.  It's more preserved than most places, but I don't know how I'd know that.  I can't even feel modern culture.  I lost my tie.  I was only 12.  All the clothes were different.  There was really nothing worth it, nothing cool.  Nothing slick, sleek, sloped, nice materials, sorta that late 90s gung ho feel, you know?  I know, though, that I have problems, too, but I'm afraid I have the idea those people "will not make it in Hell."  I don't really know that I "have problems" like sorta big and concrete, but it seems like it and I was fuzzing it.  So, I'm not sure what that is.  I just hope I don't really get like a problem.  I'm not that fascinated with that I said that.  It's not my responsibility that things there are lazy.  It's the Big Easy.  I'm not sure what things would be like elsewhere, probably an adventure in L.A., though I'm glad I moved to the New Orleans area, instead.  It did seem far away, but I mean it was across the lake, and there's not much across the lake.  I guess I was fascinated with like the reptiles and stuff there, like in Florida, which is more fascinating here, though they don't all know it in every way there.  I guess they have a lot more fun, but I wasn't acclimated to the area and messed up too much.  I was more shriveled up.  I'm not sure why you can't learn from me what I picked up living in Florida.  I guess you have to understand 1st that I thought you understood that clothes were more ideal to be sorta simple and thick and sleek.  Having a curve or flare but not like a dandelion is the thing.  I hope you get the idea.  I guess that would elicit quite a lot of emotions considering before stuff like that wasn't known to me.  I don't really know what kind of dresses nor casual dress shirts they wore.  I know I had tacky dresses and that right after I was too old they made such cute things.  However, the adults made us feel that we were emitting hatred to younger generations because they would probably be more feeling than us.  I have a feeling they burned out.  I mean, people older than me have specific stereotypes in grades, the 2 grades older than me.  They're considered really young, and it's a big thing.  So many other people are like kinda ugly or they don't have a stereotype.

"Be Happy Be Happy Be Happy"

I realized my mom has to solve what my dad's 1st youngest sister does because he can control it, but like with his mom he can't.

Why don't some people want to be happy or not?

My grandma always said, "Be Happy."  When I didn't feel like visiting her up north, she had me call her more, just because, but I didn't have to.  She gave me a chain of beads that said, "Be Happy."

That quote is from The Little Prince, the musical.