A Problem

If Ellen DeGeneres is judging fans online and she rejects me because of the n word thing and her pangs over Johnny Depp, I'm gonna start hating on her.  She already is on this, and it's retarded.  I said earlier, suggested, she was like my brother at his good state, but I said I was smart.

Upset

I got really mad.  The refrigerator drawers are both broken now.

I thought Ellen DeGeneres, Johnny Depp, and Tim Burton thought they had more heritage from the South than me.

So, they want to just state that as a fact and like try to embarrass me if they run into me.  Hm, I know about people with parents from other places, but I don't like my parents in that way.

Problem

Why are people like Johnny Depp and Ellen DeGeneres so literal and like don't see into the situation?  I mean, I'm in a tight situation, feel like I'm always in a classroom.

Dream

At the end of my dream, I was thinking I said, "Mom," in this place, realizing where I was, like a college dorm, with Ellen DeGeneres stationed somewhere, like a police.  I felt like a Venus fly trap behind my head.  So, like I was on the floor, trying to sleep, found a little sleeping bag and pillow.  Oh yes, I got the fly trap off.  I was thinking about trusting someone to make me healthy, upset realizing for the 1st time my mom got unhealthy when I moved.  Wow, my hands look dead.  So, I had been there.  It started I went there with 1 of 2 art teachers.  I went in a room, and she was outside.  It was bright and big, like a machine kind of place, kinda Disney-ish or toon-ish.  Something happened, there were monsters and she was being like killed but I guess was maybe a like ghost but in physical form.  I had to keep the lock turned a few times for a long time, maybe over a period of even nearly 5 minutes.  I guess then a knife formulated through.  I thought of someone hiding in a closet and thought of a happy little monster like that new caveman movie thinking of the story.  So, the bad guy didn't get the person out of the closet.  Then, I was in this big room with the other kids.  We saw a young version of Johnny Depp with little legs performing maybe on a guitar.  He was sitting in the room in the stands, but we were all looking at the display.  We might have interacted with it going to another thing, sitting on something metallic.  Then, I guess was kinda a long scene on the floor with us getting sleeping bags.  For some reason, it seemed dangerous.  It was like we could die, but we were there, like the 1 art teacher.  Oh yes, I was in a room and remember a fat fat lady with curly hair, kinda sweet.  She said she had Moore as a last name, and so did I, but I don't.  She went off down a hall.  There was a part I went to a bathroom that was yellowish, and I went into a stall and there was a toilet and then there were other little stalls and went in and it was pretty clean.

So, the interesting part was that like I guess it's funny Ellen DeGeneres was there.  It was like about if we were in a college dorm or at home and were getting in trouble for what it was maybe or I woke up thinking that.  I wasn't even in college, but I was thinking about it.  So, maybe you get the picture.  It's interesting, not sure I ever thought so much of Dad to Tim Burton, but I certainly equated him with that certification.  People have made me feel special.  I probably have had passing feelings like that in my life.

So, it was like a crabby sorta ghostlike force was attacking my head and about to kill me.  So, I pried it off, and I guess it was disapparating.  I was surrounded by like weight, though.  I forget what I was doing.  Maybe, it'll come to me.  I think it was like I was the best girl there or something, like I was behaving and played all these cards right.

Also, I was in the car with my dad and I guess there was like a pillow between us that was kinda like filling out the space.  My dad acted like he did something, and I kicked a bit sorta mechanically, which I've never done, and he looked hurt.  He passed me in the hallway, and I got kinda frantic and closed the bathroom door quickly, worried but knowing it wasn't my fault.  I thought it didn't hurt him.

So, it was nice to like, I guess, care about things, like that.  I think because it was so like deathly dangerous is why I thought of the word, "Mom."  I was with other girls maybe younger.  Not sure what ... guess they were all grovelling.

I guess that makes sense, ... I know I had filed in with a girl.  I guess I was feeling bad from the pizza.  I'm not sure who was in charge of this other room.  I think a lady, maybe a bigger lady, like the other art teacher.

Problem

So, when I was 1 I think I felt fat.  I was a good girl.  I just was shy and people found that annoying, which was mean and showed they were wrong.  There was nothing I could say because they didn't connect with me as being more white than they thought because my ancestry dating back years ago...

Then, when I was 2, for some reason, I was kinda dark and fatter, still.  I had started gymnastics, already, though, so I dunno.  I don't know what I looked like in between.  I don't remember.  I think I felt like crap.  I probably went haywire like an Asian American.  Ha ha ha...

So, then the gymnastics made me strong and people "liked" me..

My brother was born when I was 5.  I was still in gymnastics.  I looked fatter I know when my hair was cut, which maybe it was cut before.  I started ballet, and my head got big.  By the way, I could never remember any of it.  I moved and didn't like the easy school.  So, I looked okay for awhile.  I think my cousin, who would only have been 1, wrote to me and I forgot to write back and I think that made me not get a blog when the internet came out.  I felt like knocked out, maybe by my mom, not to write back, and my dad didn't intercede.  So, he can't get mad.  That's true.  So, I know I looked pretty when I was 7 and did baton at Christmas.  However, I don't think I have the picture but may though my mom didn't develop any of the pictures I asked her to develop!  So, then, I was baton leader of little kids mostly and I started to look kinda old.  I did more gymnastics and quit ballet, and then I looked worse.  I guess I looked better at some point in the easy ballet school, or a bit after.  It was probably 1 of the best Christmas experiences, when I was 7.

So, then, I was 9, and I grew my bangs out.  My hair got thicker, somehow.  We lived by the water, directly on it this time.  It was also a preserved city, the nation's oldest.

I got fatter when I was 12 when I found I was moving.  I'm not sure who caused it.  I think it was my piano teacher.  I'm not sure, she must have been suggestive at weird things that happened, really bad.  I just really suspect her.  My mom had us not walk as much, though we walked to my piano recital, I think.

I started ballet and stayed in it so I wouldn't get scoliosis again.  I also was in martial arts, which seemed to help my weight a lot, just once a week, with grappling.  I also did tennis lessons with my brother and at 1st my mom, too, used to do it with a friend, too.

So, I switched ballet schools and for some reason got more plump, also trying to become cuter.  My friend encouraged me.  It did teach me more classical, puppety ballet, but not like classical puppets..

16, I had a hard lecture reading history course in gifted because it was combined with advanced placement, which is for the advanced placement test for college credit, which isn't actually that popular.  I went to the mental hospital and gained weight even before.  I was losing weight a lot and was not bony but thin.

17 I moved schools and was really busy and got into music college.

I was kicked out of my major, probably for staying up until 5, and my grades were marked down.  So, I couldn't move schools and was at a prestigious college on a high scholarship for a specific study.  It also had ballet that performs, which I didn't perform my 1st year, for some reason.  Then, I went up north and something happened to my back and I started eating sweets.  I came home and my parents didn't let me eat baby food and formula because it had cost a lot.  I got fat.  So, I went and did ballet and didn't go to the gym and because of that I got even fatter, unless I didn't know it was because I got fat when I came home.  That kind of thing has happened before.  Also, the construction made it so I couldn't study, and there was no material the same on the test as in the reading, anyway.  Next semester, I heard noises in my ear that made me want to commit suicide.  I was crawling to get back in my major, and the stuck up people in New Orleans still were being racist because of Johnny Depp and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  It so happens the history course was during Pirates of the Caribbean.  I didn't see the ads at the movies I went to, which were the popular 1s.

So, I came home and I was so tired going out and had to stop going out and had some problems with my head from how my dad drove, though I think buses and taxis would drive like that and I wanted to be a movie actor or like you know do whatever I was supposed to otherwise to start to become 1 in the business.  Like I wanted to work at a restaurant in L.A. but assume that's overrated.  Anyway, it was really mean how my dad drove.  It might have helped, like injuries can help.  I know music and coming home and relaxing for once in my life made me sensitive to noise.  I did ballet for awhile.  I got thinner, but I wanted to get taller and I guess it was fun not to do it and it wasn't a great school, though it provided a sweat.  I forget what else I was gonna say, oh, yea, I wanted to sleep in.  So, we moved to a house since there was noise all the time more and more, like every 15 seconds, even a lot at night, if not that much.  I didn't think to wear earplugs but had a fan.  I stayed in my room a lot and ate what my parents got, but I didn't even go outside until my mom presented me with keys, guess it might have been too late.  Then, I went to the mental hospital, supposedly for punching my wall, going to a spa and trying to get blackheads out which ruined plugs that were happening in my forehead and then I thought in an experiment I was supposed to call a girl toddler the n word, also thought the spa lady hypnotized me to do it for not talking more about the internet.  I was telling her how I got blackheads.  I was on a lot of medicine for a long time and finally found a reason to quit.  It made me even fatter and weaker and kinda like nothing mattered, ever since the n word thing, when Tim Burton stopped pretending to post online to me.  Since then, a few complications have occurred.

So what I have to say about that is it would just be when I was 8 when I didn't write my cousin that I looked ugly and when I was 5 and started ballet.  It was because I did gymnastics, too, not sure "what" happened to the other girls.  I mean, it was like I knew what was wrong.  I didn't cheat and say oh I did nothing all my life so am free for ballet, you know?  Like not doing gymnastics is what makes you good at ballet.

I went to the mental hospital when I was 16 with that hard history course, too.  I was fat after that, affected from it.  Only a week.  Here I went a month.

Problem

Tim Burton probably would really not be serious that my mom has glasses and think she was bound to.  However, most people wouldn't agree.

I just realized that it was like my mom didn't have fun in this country, and people who read it will say I'm spewing negro.  That's what's not right.  Kids have been doing that since Johnny Depp.  I mean, she sees my dad, all the time.  The woman doesn't necessarily work.  What is it with my dad and money?  I mean, we're not the poorest.  Are we really that poor?  My dad acts like my mom doesn't provide him with food, but he also complains he's too fat and doesn't want to eat and doesn't work out on his own.  They actually rubbed in a lot that I didn't want him to.  They thought maybe I liked him to give me attention.  Why do you go off into bullshit thinking that's okay!  D:'  I MEAN OKAY THAT THEY THINK THAT!!!  WHAT ARE YOU A PIECE OF SHIT.

Old Music

So, when did like those space things come out?  I'm listening to A Clockwork Orange from 1972.

I like the 4th movement from "Pomp & Circumstance."

Now, I'm listening to Beethoven's 9th and I know everyone loves this.  I used to find it really different.  Now, it sounds kinda old and techy.

Ah, yes!!  3D  It's very marchy.  It sounds in perfect sync.  It's perfect music!  ;D

If you don't know about this movie, my dad told me about it when I was 7 or 6, I think, if not maybe even 5?  Probably 6.  It's about being tortured to music you love, like being changed.  It's supposed to be really big.  A lot of people in school started talking about it awhile after my dad told me, and it became overrated, tacky, and trashed, through the years, like everyone knew it.  Then, people talked about it like you were a nigger.

Wow, it's like a swing music.  Hm, must be modern German or classical German.  Did you know well that the Classical period ended with Beethoven, who started the Romantic period?  I know Back is Baroque and Mozart is Classical.

This is a bit different from all the modern English we've been getting. It seems different from the organ music I'm used to and like, though. I always thought it sounded retarded, like cut off, rhythmic, nice and simple to follow but well-orchestrated.

Wow, something just totally clicked. It reminds me of French, now.

Wow, I can totally elaborate on the same feeling.

I had a German foreign exchange student, and Germanic things were popular and there were foreign exchange students from that side of Europe, when I wa 16 and 17.  In college, the voice instructor was obsessed with German and lived there 20 years with her husband from Harvard, though their singing was plainstyle and annoying.  They seemed to really take to me though I'd been strict on.  I took a group voice class all year, the 2nd semester being Italian.  It was actually the official voice major class because I did Music Education, stated it upon entering.  Before wanted Composition and auditioned for Voice, too.

Also a big thing was to try to act German.  I guess in and out English has been woven in in experience, exposed, though, like I remember for instance seeing this attractive English girl at New Year's with a thick, sleek frame, not too tall, bleached smooth hair.  I saw a girl or more like this on TV lead people through a house, too.  I've seen other English people, like on Science videos and when my brother watches TV, people not that healthy.  Tim Burton and Johnny Depp lead the whole English French thing.  It seems Tim Burton can understand French.  Tim Burton did English.  All hail, Tim Burton!  3D

I know a lot of people were anti-English anti-everything German, but I was accepted as perfect for all cultures.  It's just something you can try to do.  I guess I was lacking some meat.

Hm, this music isn't too long in the main exciting part.  So, I'm not rocking through it all this time.  It's kinda in the background.

Problem

Did you ever consider that people like Ellen DeGeneres and Tim Burton and Johnny Depp get everything as a tossup, but people who are not famous get told everything is going to "lit 'r' all y" hurt them?

Waiting for My Chance

Why am I waiting for other people for my chance again?  Like people from minor or less European European countries.  Is this Tim Burton's fault and Johnny Depp's English fans?  I mean, what happened to those people?  Are they at another site now and I have to go find a new site?

Whites and Indonesians

So, white people would find that they want Chinese hurt over other non-Chinese Asian-Orientals, thinking how I'm also involved in the whites judging the Indonesians.

Also, if you don't know, it's a big thing that the Dutch who settled Indonesia around 500 years ago mixed with the Indonesians more than the Chinese.  They all give off this aura of disapproval, that the Indonesians "aren't white."  They think that all their accomplishments are bad because they are dark, but if there was a chain of islands with volcanos in the north it wouldn't be Indonesia.  I don't even know if it would exist.  I mean, what do you think of no land over Ireland and Scotland?  What about Greenland the island?  Also, there are no mountains in the middle of the U.S.  I mean there are more than in the South, where in the major Southern states there are none.  Everyone knows that, and they take it in in secret and it sparks a sinful inner turbulence.  Yea, that's Generation XY.  I hope that doesn't happen, but it elicits a weird plethora of gossip, I think.  Not sure what to say about the fact it's not a good thing.  I mean, I can't think it's a good reaction.  I don't believe it is a good feeling.  It is not something everyone has to experience.  Everyone experiences these things, the idea that others do things they shouldn't and a feeling associated with it, whether or not it's the same feeling they felt.  Some people don't get in trouble and are allowed to function as we do, experiencing just a little jolt to guide them.  Why do people like Ellen DeGeneres have such a big deal with it, like I guess people like her and Tim Burton live their lives for sinners.  I mean, they always seem mad to me for shit.  Supposedly, they talk to my dad and they do things and don't tell me who did it and I suffer all day long hearing noises in my room.  Other than that, yes, they seem mad and I feel unimportant but like that I'm just right, you know?  Like if I say something like this because I don't know what to say I'll get in trouble, like because of Johnny Depp.  Wow, I'm just gonna keep going.

Woke Up

I've forgotten my dream.  I think I thought of Tony from "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" but was like I was singing on a platform.  She posted a post about Les Misérables.  I looked at the videos today, since my mom and brother went on vacation for about a week, and I was looking at some videos I got, including The Scarlett Pimpernel and A Star Is Born.  They're thin and probably still wrapped up..

Ate:
ham cut into chunks
mashed potatos and gravy
stuffing and gravy
cole slaw
chocolate cake with chocolate icing I made and chocolate Breyer's ice cream

I couldn't finish any of it.  I had 1 chocolate and part of a chocolate chip protien bar, and it slowed my digestion down.  It does that if you eat them a lot I think, I guess because they're full meals.  Also, already I guess my digestion wasn't like "on a roll," though it was working.

So, I suddenly turned on and was thinking all these smart things and coming up with points and matching ideas, since my mom isn't around and took my brother with her.  Also, I was upset, it seemed people thought that life wasn't about me being happy around 1997 and 1998.  The things that changed were all done in spite, hatred, and racism, for people like me or just me, rather..  They wanted the world to be boring.  They wanted to suggest it was our fault.  Hm, yea, I'm also part Jewish but think most people are or a good handful, really.  I'm not like ¼ Jewish.  Also, I got the idea that, just now, that maybe I'm dark like other Latinos, Italians..  Um, what else?  Isn't that okay?  What would that = having skin like lard?  I just figured I was more German than the English and non-Italian.  However, I'm not just German.  I'm Anglo-Irish but more like English style but still strict in the Irish way.  I mean, maybe not, but I mean I like it and the name fits|names kinda fit.  So, why, all of a sudden, did the Italians and Hispanics go spastic and supposedly the French were the ones with the brains and no longer the English - hey, that's like Ellen's partner, Italian-Australian.  She's, I think, around 10+ years younger.  So, if she doesn't have kids to have time, why is she married?  Or, does she want kids, too?  Because she doesn't seem to be finding any men..  I don't know why, but I know that.  I can just tell.  Hm, maybe the Spanish tried to be like the Russians but think in private they're white.  That's sick.  I'm not gonna be with them.  I'm not outspoken and like uncivilized, though.  WTF is this!  Why are all these niggers fantasizing that I'm like them!?  Is this because of Johnny Depp?  So what, if I've done like ... well, I have real excuses for being like annoyed.  I also realized that I'm older now so why would I like fantasize learning with my dad at 26?  I thought we'd maybe live together when I was 19.  The hurricane came, and my parents didn't split.  My mom was just gonna be with my brother..  He used to always hang around her.  I think, when my brother was a baby, my dad stimulated him and as a toddler so did my mom.  My mom set us up like we were tacky crap though because of my dad's age, though she thinks it's because of his traits.  HA!  I wonder if she even knows what a trait is.  A physical feature or a "personality trait."  Wait, why am I getting interjections from Nell Burton, the part Latino, thinking she's superior?  I was who I was, and she came in and said I wasn't, like her mom feels.  Tim Burton doesn't care.  Also, I think Ellen is rash enough to think all my intelligence means nothing and won't admit she's actually thinking it's because I'm part Chinese.  What am I supposed to do?  I mean, if you were Portia, would you accept it?  NO!  Why get mad at me for getting upset white people get mad at me, too, like suggest I'm different in a tight way?  Watch my dad fart that he's white when he "sees 'me..'"  Now, it's about saying oh but you're not perverted like the bad Italians and Spanish.  Also, I got the feeling that if my dad's oldest sister, who is younger, were here, she'd be nice.  She's a devil!  Interjecting about my mom's good qualities because my dad is related to her and not my mom and because she's not technically Caucasian.  Hey, someone's stimulating me.  They're watching me through a camera in private and signaling other-worldly noises.  They are little clicks and squeaks that sound like, for instance, Nell Burton, but now in a born, annoying, insulting, highly ticking way.  Why should you "be able" to do that?  Why doesn't that click with you now?  You think I'm "not white?"  Well, you listen to people who aren't white.  You let other people be white if they want.  What now?  They aren't, it is supposedly their fault, not mine.  I made the best of my situation.  What's wrong?  I don't deserve a chance?  I'm crap?  My ideas are the result of crap?  You don't care why?  You think I'm nothing and other people being submissive is old news?  I don't think we're supposed to have to be submissive.  You just think that because of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp.  See, I'm right.  You just are an angry machine pretending your bullshit seems true.  You didn't listen to me, and now you're CRAP to me!  See, you're gonna say that's not true, again, because maybe I'm not really "that 'white.'"  You don't even know what that means.  You think I'm not in tune with nature and am beastly.  You're gonna explode if you're worried about how I mean by the word "beastly" like I would also say all the right words, like I grew up in a perfect environment.  So, what?  Do I deserve to post on my blog without being made fun of?  Why do you wait for me to say stuff that no one else says and assume I did it too late in time and that it's all the result of crap but with other people it's something that gets time spent on?  I don't think you're white.  Why do you think I have to have the flaws that you have, like it's unfair?  You think people come from a gene pool of Heaven or Hell?  Why are you able to affect me?  You have some program on where you fall over when I don't agree?  If you're not perfect, then you're not, like if you don't know everything, they we both don't know everything, get it?  I didn't get that to click with how I wrote that, but you know how that goes.  Funny, supposedly, if my mom were older I'd have more European traits, but I wouldn't be divine.

Problem

Why should I listen to simple details of people mad in German because of Johnny Depp.  They seem to have all left the building in jealousy out to hurt everyone who isn't white.  I feel in a daze.  It's been 7½ years.  Why are you so worried something will happen?  Isn't it because of how you present yourself?  We all have problems.  I know people want to pay back, but you shouldn't worry about accidents, just premeditated majority feelings.  You can't just say I hurt you and no one else will hurt you.  I mean, I risk dying.  It's true.  I could even be injured because of this.  Like, I got the idea that I wasn't some big thing, so maybe I can't feel joy and should sit here and think I'm just 1 of a kind.  I think Tim Burton would jump in and say I wasn't white.  Why would that happen?  Most people don't really do that and just claim that people can tell and I have to do it.  I don't have to be a tub of lard because of my dad.  That's not an issue I wanted to be bad.  I wasn't helped, in time.  I should be able to figure out something in life where I will be accepted if it's a racial issue I didn't know about, like that.  See, I grew up thinking that I got my mom as a person and my dad's race.  You probably are upset that I care about myself.

Problem

So, people should be punished for who they are and not what others tell them to do.  I mean, why do I have to say oh I must be a different person with different people.  I grew up with people saying that's just "not."  If it were, I shouldn't be hurt.  I mean, I am sitting alone in my room!  Now, people don't care what I say.  They just wanna see my dad get mad.  Can you believe it?  I know you think it's okay.

Also, Ellen DeGeneres thinks that she can just give others problems with their parents.  Maybe, in this case, she has nothing to say.  It sounds like she picked it up in L.A.  Like, she wants to say, "but you did something before."  I don't think that's the animalistic tendencies of her homeland where I dwelled, not in the city but in the locale.  So, it isn't acknowledged.  It's sorta like the city by New Orleans closest to where I live across the lake.  No, it's not my roots.  I moved there when I was fully formed, just was able to develop a little more.  I don't like how so many people my age are like that.  I mean, I was short and then got tall.  I guess I'm different in that I was very short but not like a midget.

I wonder why Johnny Depp is so pieced together, maybe because he was a teenager in Florida and also a kid here.  He seems like he also wanted me fat.  So did Ellen DeGeneres.  *BEEP*  They're saying I didn't do something, that I have to be like a robot with no aura.  They seem to be able to have an aura.  Also, lots of people do what they think they said..or what did I say?  I never actually hurt anyone, and I wouldn't do it on purpose.  I mean, some kids weren't raised right and for some reason feel like acting a certain way and then feel bad.  I really don't like that, that suggestive feeling people of the 80s have.

Also, I can want attention from them.  If they think I shouldn't, particularly thinking of the cross of Tim Burton and Ellen DeGeneres, I forget.  Ah yes, why would they be worth something?  Didn't I just say something like that?  So, you know what I mean.  What else, now?  Do you think I'm your *** machine?  Why are you so unskilled at dispersing attention?  You are so antsy.

Problem

Tim Burton stopped pretending to post to me online, and Johnny Depp made it seem like I had to keep up.  There were like 300 posters in turn posting all day.  I was supposed to answer with my non-Pro account.

Also, I don't want to hang out with people I don't like, instead.  I'm not an old fogy.

Un Problemo

Why would Johnny Depp think oh Christina Barrett is the 1 who doesn't know.

Eliciting a Response

Tim Burton is slowing down because of the n word thing.  That elicits a violent reaction.  He's just playing around with young people like Johnny Depp thinking he can prevent people from outbursting later and won't go into it in steps, like "sliding" into it.  He's so weird.  He can't like repeat things.  He, I guess, huffs and puffs, to live.  At least, I found Ellen DeGeneres.  She is online every day and does her show.  It's a very interesting show and probably the best.  }:D

All the Glamor

I like Johnny Depp fans.  Tim Burton fans tend to be "lose goose."  Ellen DeGeneres is a good backup.  Johnny Depp fans from Europe are all the glamor.

Dad's Heritage

Why should a dad be able to say his kids deserve to be hurt?  Like, he wants like the race of the mom, and he thinks there's logic that sparks that the kids don't deserve it.  Ideas come up that that's what they deserve, that they don't deserve it.  Like, maybe they just keep thinking in 1 path, like Americans.  It's funny people from the South think they're more European and think they can not think in a straight line.  That straight line is something incorrect.  Europeans tend to do things the right, probably "original" way, whatever that means.  Like, maybe Americans became bad?  Maybe, Americans are poor, and Australians are criminals because criminals are rampant in Australia from, I know, England.  They were shipped there.  It's what they said in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) by Tim Burton and with starring Johnny Depp alongside Tim Burton's "wife" and involving other cast from Harry Potter.